Friday, May 9, 2008

sometimes i wonder.......

what kind of kid you would have been? would you have been silly Like Johnathan, shy like Liz, serious like David or a combination of all of us. sometimes i wonder what you would have looked like, what you still have those chubby round cheeks. sometimes i wonder how i would be different, would i love all my kids the way i do now because i know that life can truly be taken from us so quickly. would you like to be held and rocked like you did then? or would you be independent and strong? would you have brought me a mothers day card home from preschool like your brother did today that said I love you mom with circles and coloring outside the lines? i would have loved to see the bond you had with Johnathan i am sure it would be stronger than it even was then. i would have held you longer had i only known that my arms would feel empty without you here. that mothers day i would sort of dread because i know you are not here with us. what kind of food would you have liked? would you sing all the time like Johnathan? i bet you would have been mellow and calm just as you were as a baby. i wish you could have met Jake he is a lot like you. i am certain God gave me him just for those reasons, his sweetness is great although i do still miss you.

you would have been 5 soon and almost off to kindergarten. i bet that will be a bittersweet day for me. i am sure you are having a awesome time in heaven being in the arms of Jesus and all but i so wish you were still here with me. i know God has a plan even in the hardest of times he has shown us so much and grown us so much since you went to be with him but mothers day is hard. it seems like 4.5 years later everyone has forgot, they all move on with there lives and pretend like nothing ever happened. but i want to tell everyone about you even though i only had you for such a short time. i want to tell them how cute you were, how you loved to be held, and coo at me, how you were so much bigger than your twin brother and you were so calm and laid back like your dad, but i cant because that makes people uncomfortable and sad and who wants to be sad around mothers day? sometimes it sucks!

all of that aside i am so thankful for your brothers and sister. they are really great kids. i am especially grateful for the 3 months i got to hold you, i am so thankful you were born early so i could spend more time with you, i am thankful for it all! if i could go back and everything play out the same i would just to hold you in my arms again.Daddy and I talk about you often, we miss you so much......................................

"The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart" Psalms 34:18


  1. I think your words are beautiful and so true. It is encouraging to me that Matthew is still such an important part of your thoughts. I worry that my baby's memory will fade away as life moves forward. I will say a prayer for both of us and all Mom's that have to know this pain on this Mother's day weekend.

  2. I assure you that I have never forgotten Matthew. I think of him often and I'd only met him a couple of times. He has left a legacy bigger than you will know until you're in Heaven! {{{{{{{ }}}}}}}}

  3. Beautiful post from your beautiful heart. I'm glad you shared your thoughts and feelings about your loss and are able to love your other children so well. Sounds like you're one amazing mom.

  4. Raquel, that was a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing from your heart! You are a great mommy!

  5. Hey Raquel, I think about Matthew a lot. You may always talk to me about him if you'd like. Your post is beautiful and it shows how strong you are to face those hard to face days.