Wednesday, April 20, 2011


***disclaimer, this is a rambling post as usual it is kind of all over the place

I don't know about you but i am a worrier, I so admire people who can just say it is what it is Lord and i trust you always and never say what if... are there those type of people?? I used to be a little more chill on the situations in life but ever since Matthew died I tend to worry... a LOT. I know this is not from God i know he wants me to trust in him always but HOW. If you don't know me in real life you probably don't know that i am extremely type A i am a doer, a ever criticized "Martha" i don't like just to sit and wait for things to happen i want to do.something.

But there are times you cant do anything right? the loss of a loved one, a unexplained illness, a person who walks away from the Lord

I am sure there are many more but those come to mind. In addition to my worry i worry about death. a lot. maybe it is normal, i watched them try to bring my son back to life in a hospital room to no avail the doctors did everything they could CPR, oxygen, IVs etc. it was out of there hands they couldn't do it, I begged the Lord right there in front of alll those people to people allow his will to happen i was continually thinking as i was praying "Raquel do not pray for the Lord to heal him you do not want them to think that your God can not do that, what if that affects their faith" i knew God had other plans for us at in those moments i knew they probably did not include Matthew living so i just prayed for God to come down and touch us and to trust that he knows what he is doing and for his will to happen and to comfort us. Seriously there was at least 20 people standing there watching the doctors and nurses from EMT, to police, even the janitor i noticed them all as i stood there all alone crying out to the Lord. And he could have "fixed" it the way i wanted to i know he could have but that wasn't his will in that situation, and we had to trust that he had a bigger plan.

I am sure my fear is annoying to my husband, with my last 2 C-sections i swore i was going to die, i was going to be the woman you hear about that dies during birth. i would cry.for.weeks. leading up to it. i couldn't even go there in my mind or it would overwhelm me. I recently have been having some stomach issues and had to have a colonoscopy and i swore that the doctor was going to find some bizarre disease (he didn't) WHY do i do this? why???

Lastly another thing i that i constantly play out in my mind is what if something happens to John. That is my biggest nightmare, what if something happens to John and i am left alone with all these kids, what would i do, how would i survive, how would i handle such a situation. SO when my sweet friend Emily posted on FB her husband was in ICU my heart began breaking for her, she is a momma to 4 beautiful kids whom she homeschools, her husband Alif is a man who knows the Lord and is a great daddy to those kids, why them Lord? why? I don't get it! i cried out to God and said come on Lord you are in the business of making miracles happen go in and fix this please there is no reason that a family should lose there husband and daddy. And the way God has moved always leaves me in awe, in a situation where it looked very grave God was in the midst all along the incredible strength that Emily has is beautiful and only what God can provide because in that situation i think we would all fall apart but those who hope in the Lord KNOW that he is faithful even when we don't understand we just know to trust in him. I wont go in to any details it is Emily's story to tell but God is good, please pray for this sweet family if you can, pray for the Lord to give them strength through this recovery period, pray for the wisdom of all the doctors, pray for the complete recovery of this man please just pray.

I recently read this post it was so perfect for me in this time in my life here is a little excerpt:

Do you ever fear the unknown? Perhaps it’s your health or the uncertainty of your future. Maybe it’s the decisions your children will make about following God or following their peers. Fearing the unknown can cause us to spend precious energy anticipating the worst-case scenario. There are two problems with this type of fear:

• The future is not here.
• The future is not ours.

While the future may be out of our hands, it is not out of the hands of our faithful trustworthy God

When i see others go through tough situations it is so different when you know the Lord. Its like we know this situation is temporary, God is bigger than this and we will serve him no matter what. I don't know how families face things without God i don't, when Matthew died i would say constantly how do people let love ones go without the hope in the Lord, the hope that we will see them again. What a victory in Jesus right! I love this verse:

Isaiah 43:2-3 (New International Version, ©2011)

2 When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
3 For I am the LORD your God,
the Holy One of Israel, your Savior;

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