Thursday, May 28, 2009


*beware this is a long post

i am 22 weeks pregnant today, over half way. in just 17 weeks i will get to meet this sweet baby. this pregnancy has been SO emotional for me.

I am pretty sure this will be our last baby, this is my 4th c-section and although i know a few people who have had 4 or more c-sections my doctor does not seem very excited that i am not tying my tubes (John will get fixed when we decide the time is right).

Speaking of doctors i have had a ton of insurance issues this time and the insurance i was supposed to have for pregnancy keeps getting denied, i switched to this specific doctor because she accepts the insurance i was supposed to have. now that it looks like i wont get that insurance i made a appointment with my old ob which was SO nice. Maybe the Lord was putting those denials up for a reason and although we will now have to pay a few thousand dollars out of pocket my heart does feel a little more at peace about my delivery.

i think as women saying you are done having children is so final and we put so much identity in being a mom that it is a hard pill to swallow. I know for some when they are done they are done and they are fine with it but for others it is a very hard emotional decision even if they have lots of kids. The Lord could still change our minds (since mine is not even 50% convinced yet lol) but for now this is the way we are leaning. The other thing for me is age, i still feel so young to make such a big decision i will turn 30 the month before i have this baby and so many of my friends are not having babies until there 30's. anyway we will leave it up to God and he will confirm it either way i am sure.

i am so excited to be having a girl, but man i have been so overly emotional this pregnancy. i can cry at the drop of a hat and so many things get to me. my poor hubby, i tell ya is probably always on the edge of what he should say. 

Every time i am preggo i think alot about Matthew and it really makes me miss my baby boy. i constantly feel i am mourning the things i did not get to experience with him and at the same time excited about this new life that will join our family in a few months. it is weird how you can be so happy and so sad all at the same time. and it honestly is not one of those things you can talk about because people are weird about death, they want to pretend it never happened and i am sure they don't want to be sad so you deal with it at 11:44 PM all alone in your living room. The other day our pastor said something about grieving he said something like sometimes when you are grieving you need to just suck it up and move and do something, stop being sad. i get that i really do, i am not a crier really i am not BUT you can not predict when grief or memories will hit you. i was telling a friend the other day how i was feeling and how selfish i feel here i am pregnant with a baby that i am so excited about but still i feel so sad,  and she told me "It's so not about being selfish, but rather about loving Matthew" thanks Tara she said some other stuff that REALLY summed up how i am feeling right now that i will really cherish forever....

anyway emotions are so raw especially when you are pregnant. and please please don't take anything i said wrong i know there are tons of people who would give anything to have a baby they really would and i don't take for granted the blessing i am receiving but i still feel i can grieve the loss of my son even now 5 years later and probably for the rest of my life.


  1. Though I understand your feelings regarding Matthew, I do relate to the end of the child bearing line. That's where we're at right now. In fact, yesterday I was moving out Reed's clothes that are just too small and moving size 24 mos. It was so sad to me that my baby isn't a baby anymore, and that could be my last time putting those clothes on one of my kids. I'm definitely not ready to be done, but Rich thinks he is. I'm so excited for you guys--and I enjoy reading your heart! :)

  2. I came across this post and wanted to leave a comment.

    My first child, a boy, passed away 11 years ago. He was 7 months old. I miss him EVERY SINGLE DAY. I feel him around me ALL THE TIME.

    Recently I put his photos in an album, and began to ball. I am blessed to have 2 kids, (a boy and a girl), and even though they take up a huge chunk of my heart, I still have a wound there from my eldest son's passing.

    I will never, ever stop grieving/mourning for him.

    My daughter is the last child I will ever have. I had a very rough pregnancy with her, and she almost did not make it full-term. The mere thought of losing another child was not something I could handle, so I got my tubes tied.

    Down the road, I'd love to foster or adopt, kids, not babies. I feel horrible that no one wants kids (usually ages 5 and up). Knowing I can provide a safe and loving home for them makes me feel great. And knowing they will come into a loving home with 2 kids and a special angel makes it all better.

    God Bless.